No one wins the Mommy Wars
February 10, 2010 by Shannon
Photo by Mahalie
Before I became a mom, I had no idea there was a hideous, spiteful, snarky movement afoot in the mothering world. Call me a Pollyanna, but it just never occurred to me that the most wonderful (and difficult) job in the world would be the target of so much bitching, especially amongst mothers themselves.
Now I realize that this must have existed all along, but perhaps the Mommy Wars are just more noticeable thanks to the Internet. Now it seems almost every other mom you meet has a blog and others read “mommy blogs” on a regular basis. So we have plenty of outlets to vent our frustration. Trouble is, we tend to turn that frustration on each other.
A few days ago, my friend Maria of Bored Mommy and Phat Mummy fame got what we refer to in the blogging biz as a troll. I’m not going to repeat the awful things this woman said to Maria (you can read about it in her post, Why I’m proud to call myself a mommy), but the crux of the woman’s comment was this: it is “infantile” for a mother to refer to herself as a mommy. I hadn’t heard that one before. Congratulations, lady. You’ve sunk to a new low.
Sure, I’ve seen plenty of mothers criticize each other over how much time they spend with their children, how much money they spend on their children, whether a mother can really define herself as a stay-at-home mom when she spends a small fraction of her day working at home…the list goes on and on. But Mom vs. Mommy? You have got to be kidding me.
It is time that women stop comparing themselves. And yes, I mean all women. By and large, we are all doing the best we can — whether we’re raising kids or running a company. Everyone has a different path to take in this journey we call life, and none of us has a right to criticize anyone for how they think, how they choose to think of themselves, or even whether or not they have kids. What matters is mutual respect and support for each other and the choices all of us have to make. That doesn’t mean we have to agree. But we must do it with respect. Because the more we go after each other, the more we undermine ourselves and our achievements.
NO ONE WINS THE MOMMY WARS. But everyone loses when we don’t put a stop to it.
Thoughts? Opinions? I’d love to hear them. Leave me a comment below.
Comments (6)
I didn’t change my name when I married. I never wanted to be somebody’s daughter or somebody’s wife. I clung to my independence. Then I had a revelation.
One day I was standing outside the local post office. In the car parked on the street, a classmate of my 1st grader was talking excitedly to his mother and pointing to me. When she got out of the car, she said, “Do you know what he was saying? He was saying, ‘I know that lady! I know that lady!’ Then he paused and said, “She is somebody’s mom.”
I realized that I was perfectly content to be somebody’s mom.
Nicely said.
Huh. Whatever happened to Live Your Life By The Golden Rule. Or treat others as you want them to treat you….just a thought….
I totally agree that the Internet has made this behavior more visible and easier, in a way. What person would dare make such a rude, ignorant comment to someone’s face? But an anonymous comment on a blog takes no courage or thought at all.
I’ve been happy to notice that in my REAL life, I have not experienced the mommy wars at all. I have friends who are SAHMs, working moms & everything in between & all of them at least try to respect each other & hear each other out, even if they’ve made a difference choice themselves. That’s encouraging to me.
Wow. This has been going on forever! The only right way is to love your kids. Whether you are working or not. Spend as much time as you can with them and love them. When I had my kids the same stuff went on. Now I have grandkids, Kellan included, and they know I love them even though I work. Love and a special relationship is all they need!
I know I’m not perfect as a mom and I wish I didn’t have to work as much as I do so that I could spend more time with them, but my relationship with my kids is just that, it’s MY relationship with my kids. I’m proud to be their Mom-o and I don’t care what anybody else thinks of that. Thank you for saying this Shannon, and you’re right that whether a Mom works, or stays home, goes by Mother or Mommy, is single or happily married, we all come under fire and mostly from other Moms. We all do our best in our own way, can’t we all just get along??