AnchorMommy

A stupid request and the art of the segue

May 20, 2010 by Shannon

Lately strangers have gone out of their way to help me. Maybe it’s because I look like I’m going to give birth at any second, and they want to help me get where I’m going so they don’t have to witness it. After all, my belly needs its own zip code, remember? Whatever. I’m grateful for the help.

Doors have been opening magically, and a kindly milk delivery man even tried to help me put more air in my car tires. People have been bending over backwards. Until I met the Stupidest Man on the Planet. Okay, maybe not on the planet (I’m pretty sure one of the guys who was overseeing the action on that now hemorrhaging oil platform might qualify for that honor) but most definitely the Stupidest Man in East Boise.

The guy approached me in a Home Depot parking lot and asked for help jumping his car. Okay, first of all? Of all the zillions of people in the Home Depot parking lot – including lots of able-bodied gentlemen – the dude picked the one very overheated and pregnant woman dragging a three-year old. I had the urge to walk over and slap him silly. Instead, I told him no, and he had the nerve to be all put out about it. He replied, “Well, it would only take a minute, but I’ll ask someone else.”

Oh really? I was like, “Look at me. Do you really think I want to spend even five seconds helping you hook cables to my car? I’ve had to make four stops with this kid here, not to mention the baby that’s trying to fall out of my pelvis as we speak. Plus I’m sweating, my yoga tank top is looking wildly inappropriate due to the size of my boobs, I’m pretty sure my belly is visibly hanging out the bottom, and I am quickly running out of time to squeeze my kid’s nap in this afternoon which means I may have some major preschooler attitude to deal with later. So as tempting as it is for me to help you get your car running again, HELL NO.”

I didn’t actually say that. But I wanted to.

By the way, Kellan wasn’t even strapped into his carseat before the guy found a perfectly able-bodied gentleman to help him. Like I said, the parking lot was full of guys like that. Sheesh.

So picture me rattling this story off to my husband, minus the things I wished I would have said to the guy. As I told Michael about it, Kellan was listening intently. Nothing gets by this kid. Although talking is one of his favorite pastimes (the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, I suppose) he has incredible listening skills. (Except, of course, when it comes to warnings about cleaning up toys or getting ready for bed. Then his listening skills mysteriously disappear.)

I finished my version of the story by telling Michael I told the guy no and that he was grumpy about it. Then Kellan said, “Tell him what you said about having to take this kid home.” Ha! We had a good chuckle, and I replied, “You’re right, Kellan. I told him no because I had to get you home. You sure have a good memory.”

“Yeah,” he replied, then stopped to think for a minute. “Speaking of memory, I want to play that memory game I got for my birthday!”

Ah, the art of the segue. At the tender age of three, my child has perfected this talent. Perhaps there’s a TV career in the making here.

Come to think of it, I should have used the art of the segue on Stupid Man! I should have thrown in LOTS of unnecessary details too. Oh, help jump your car? That reminds me of the time I tried to get my car jumped…my battery was so dead, I couldn’t even get it to power up. So then I had to have it towed, and have a new battery put in…. Thank goodness it’s fixed now though, because seeing how pregnant I am, I wouldn’t want to have it die if I had to go to the hospital! Can you imagine??? I mean, what if I were you right now, and my car died and I went into labor in this parking lot! Do you think people would help me? Boy I hope so…childbirth isn’t easy, you know. In fact, let me tell you what happened when I had this kid here…

I wonder how eager he would have been for my help if I laid all that on him. Heh heh.